The Trouble With Charlie

Okay, even though I have about a gazillion things I need and want to say, I’m only going for a short post today. I really need to get outside and do some yard work. (Shhh … don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation to protect. But when I put our six-week-old puppy Nina down in the yard and immediately lose her, it might be time to cut the grass.)

I've got the pinecones covered. You man the weed-eater!

I don’t know about you, but if I hear the name Charlie Sheen one more time, I’m going to climb a clock tower somewhere – armed with a rifle and wearing a clown suit – and start shooting broadcasting towers off of local television stations. (For those of you with your finger on your speed dial, ready to call 911, the previous sentence is what those of us with a sense of humor call A JOKE.)

What steams me most of all is how everyone on the planet seems to be playing right into Sheen’s hands. When did we get to the place where an entire society feels just fine about enabling an adolescent, egotistical, thoroughly self-absorbed actor? Never mind that all of this is EXACTLY what ol’ Chuckie wanted. Fired by CBS? Well how the hell else was he going to get out of a contract where he makes $1.3 million per episode on what is consistently the highest rated show on the air? Geez, even dimwitted Jake Harper could figure that one out!

I've got it! It's not drug or alcohol abuse: It's hair gel poisoning!

What I DO still care about are the other people who work on the show. Despite Sheen’s ravings about how he spent years “turning tin cans into gold,” what makes “Two and a Half Men” work is the writing AND the terrific ensemble cast.

Jon Cryer, Holland Taylor, Conchata Ferrell, Ryan Stiles and – the actress who plays my absolute favorite character on the show, Rose – Melanie Lynskey are some of the sharpest character actors in the business today. Ferrell is, in my opinion, an underrated national treasure who adds class and wit to any project she’s connected with, from “Maude” to “ER” to “L.A. Law” to “Edward Scissorhands.”

Hmm... Maybe this is a "Manchurian Candidate" scenario. Sheen was actually kidnapped in The Phillipines while filming "Platoon" and brainwashed into a human time bomb.

So in support of the other actors, as well as the writers, producers, cameramen, set designers, sound techs and every other person whose lives are now hanging in the balance because of the selfish and asinine behavior of a man who – at his age – should know better, I’ve written the following letter to showrunner Chuck Lorrie and CBS. Feel free to spread this around. Who knows, perhaps it’ll get to the right people and this whole thing will have a happy ending – for everyone but Charlie Sheen.

Dear Chuck Lorre and CBS. I have come up with two solutions to the question of how to move forward with "Two and a Half Men." Feel free to use either one – with my compliments.

Solution #1: (This would be my preferred solution because it also ends the show.) Charlie and Rose get engaged. Charlie leaves Rose at the altar and runs away. Charlie is found murdered on the beach in Malibu. Everyone thinks Rose did it, but it turns out to be a "Murder on the Orient Express" situation: Everyone on the show killed Charlie, including Berta and Jake.

Solution #2: Charlie discovers he has a conscience after all, joins the Peace Corps and is never heard from again. Meanwhile a woman (played by Parker Posey or Gina Gershon) shows up claiming Evelyn is her mother. Evelyn swears this can't possibly be true because she never had a daughter. When genetic testing reveals the woman to be Evelyn's child, it's revealed that she DID give up a baby - a boy born before Charlie. And said child had a sex change and is now EXACTLY like a younger version of Evelyn. (Or a female Charlie, same diff...)

I believe either solution will make it clear that “Two and a Half Men” has NEVER been about Charlie Sheen. Essentially, he’s as integral to the show as the piano that sits in Charlie Harper’s living room.

Whatever happens going forward, please keep up the great work, Mr. Lorre. Not only do my partner Eric and I enjoy watching every show you’ve produced – all the way from “Grace Under Fire” to “Mike and Molly” – your vanity cards are the highlight of our week. (Thank goodness for the DVR and the Internet!)

Sincerely, a true fan of well-written and brilliantly acted situation comedy,

Jim Otey

Charlie Sheen and Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi: Separated at birth? (BTW, this machete was reportedly given to Sheen by an executive at Live Nation. Yep. THAT Live Nation - the company that joined forces with Ticketmaster and is now raping concert fans across the nation with absurd ticket prices and mysterious add-on fees.)

 
So there you have it, a way to pull concerned citizens across the nation out of the clutches of – if national and local news coverage is any indication – what is apparently the most compelling news story since the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.


     “Fame is a bee. It has a song. It has a sting. Ah, too, it has a wing.” – Emily Dickinson


You kids go outside and get some fresh air! But before you do, bring Dad another martini.

Cheers!

Jim