"Don't F**K With Me, Fellas..."

I didn't mention this when it happened because it sounds kind of "tinfoil hat." But the day after Thanksgiving, I got up really early to make cinnamon rolls for Eric to take with him on a job. It was a very foggy and chilly morning.

"Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to? 
Why can't you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?"

At around 8 a.m., someone rang my doorbell. Since very few people visit us - and only one person I know would do so at that hour - I opened the front door, expecting to see my neighbor Marilyn.

Instead, I saw a young man - anywhere between 16 and 20, it was hard to tell because he was a large young man and taller than me. He said to me, "Do you think you guys could help me out real quick? My dad kicked me out and it's cold out here, can I come inside?"

I had never seen this kid before in my life - and I lived in Chicago for ten years, so I'm not a complete idiot - so I said, "Well, I'm right in the middle of baking something, so it's not a good time." He said, "It's really cold out here. I've just been walking around and I don't have anywhere else to go. Could I just come in there and sit down?"

I thought, "This is not right." So I said, "Hey, I've got kids in here. So I just can't let anyone in my house. Sorry."

He said, "Okay" and walked away. I ran back to the kitchen, washed my hands off, opened the door and walked onto the front porch to see where he went next. To my SHOCK, I saw my next door neighbor standing in front of his car and right next to HIS garage door smoking. I asked him, "Did you see that kid that just walked away from my house?" He said, "Yeah." Me: "Did he ask you anything?" Him: "No. He didn't say a WORD." Keep in mind, there is NO way that this kid didn't see my neighbor as he walked off my porch.

So I called the neighbor across the street. I asked if a young man had come to her door. She said no. Then I looked down the street to the west, and saw people SETTING UP FOR A YARD SALE IN THEIR FRONT YARD. So all of these people were around, but this kid only knocked on MY FRONT DOOR to ask for "help."

So I called the police. Especially because this kid disappeared quite quickly after leaving my front door. I know this because I drove around the neighborhood quickly when I lost sight of him and after talking to my neighbors. He was GONE. The police came, but acted like I was nuts. I don't know about you, but if someone who is in real trouble only comes to ONE DOOR in a neighborhood, a door where the curtains are drawn - when there are people OUTSIDE THEIR houses - that sends up a definite red flag to me.

Even ERIC didn't believe me - or at least he didn't think it was that weird.

Cut to this evening, just about dark. Eric had just left for a party he's helping with and someone BANGS on the front door - just once. I jump up and look out the window - and what do I see? The same kid who knocked on the door in November walking down the street and looking at the side of his hand.

I got my video camera and got into my car and went after him. He saw me filming him and turned around. I came back home. And in about five minutes, his whole "family" (five people) are in my driveway calling me names and accusing me of being a "pervert." I told them to get off my property and keep the kid away from my house. I told them what happened in November.

The kid DENIED it. And tried to approach me to fight. The "dad" threatened to call the police. 
I told him to do it "because there's a complaint on file already against your son." And the kid denied it again and tried to approach me. Meanwhile, his trashy "mother" - in a wife-beater and pajama bottoms also kept acting like she wanted to fight. I must confess, I called her a "trashy whore" at that point. But I told them again I was FINE with them calling the police.

We've had a huge problem with people being in our back yard. Two of our dogs, who we've had for almost as long as we've lived here and are almost always in the back yard, are now afraid to leave the patio. So I'm SURE we're being targeted. Why else would people I've NEVER MET, let alone SEEN before call me "Faggot"?

A policeman came. I yelled at him. He saw that I was terrified. I told him I thought we were being targeted. I told him the nasty, trashy mom called me "Faggot." He said, "I don't like that word Sir." I said, "I don't EITHER." He said, "My sister is a lesbian. So I understand." Then I cried and told him the whole story and told him how afraid I was. Because this always happens when I'm the only one here.

But don't think for ONE moment that I won't defend myself and my family. And don't think that I haven't done that before. Just ask the two muggers in Manhattan that I kicked the living SHIT out of while my big, buff, gym-obsessed ex-boyfriend screamed for help like a little girl. Or the guy with the gun on the CTA who tried to take my Harley Davidson leather jacket from me. (I took the gun away from him and threw it on the tracks - after hitting him in the head with it several times.)

Mama's home. And she's PISSED.

I swear on whatever god you believe in - I am the NICEST man in the entire world until you push me into the place where I can't be. And then - you'd better FUCKING RUN.

But... Here's the silver lining in this story: A little while ago, the dogs were barking again. So I went out front. And the man who lives next to my friend Marilyn came across the street. He asked me if we'd keep an eye on his house when he and his family go out of town for Christmas through New Year's. Wanna know why he asked ME? He told me, "I know you're a good neighbor and I can trust you to watch out for me and my family." I came inside and cried again.

Tomorrow, I'm going to buy a really huge black latex dildo. And when I catch these assholes in my house, I'm going to BEAT THEM TO DEATH WITH IT. Is that wrong? 

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS. This ain't my first time at the rodeo." - Joan Crawford


P.S. - xxoo

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